New Love-New Season

Wedding Day!! Cake was great!!
First date, July 25, 2016
Thanksgiving 2016

Well it is difficult to belief but on January 22nd, 2017 I was married!! I don’t know how things happened so swiftly but I somehow think Scott’s prayers had a part in this occurrence.  His name is Mike and he and I went to high school together.  One day out of the blue, I messaged his brother on Facebook asking about him. Eventually, we got together and went on our first date July 25th, 2016. This was exactly one year after Scott passed away. Our relationship has been going full speed ever since we met. He too is my best friend and we have great times together. God has opened many doors for us that is amazing to me. He is a counselor and minister–Yes, Scott was too. He is loving and fun. Many times in living with him, I see so many similarities as to Scott–especially how he loves me!! No I am not trying to replace Scott with Mike because they are soo different, but I am enjoying this season just as much as I enjoyed the season with Scott.

I remember, right after Scott’s transition, I would thank God every day for allowing me to minister to His man of God. I was grateful to God for the opportunities he gave me to serve Scott–even through his sickness. I found a greater appreciation for life and a greater hope for future. I had accepted that Scott was gone and I would possibly be without a husband for the the rest of my life. Then I prayed and asked God for another opportunity at love, and God gave it to me and I am ever so grateful. I believe the key to getting our prayers answered with our hearts desires is to be grateful and thankful for how things are at the moment.  Yes I did miss Scott and was sad because he died and left me alone but I never ceased from being grateful for having that opportunity to live with him and enjoy him for 14 years of his life. I still think of Scott today but they are thoughts of love and appreciation. I realize God had an appointed time for him to transition to heaven and for me to start anew with Mike. I believe if you are God’s child, you cannot stop His plan for your life. As you submit to God, it will be revealed that God”s ways will, in the long run, be better than yours. In the mist of grief, we sometimes don’t see it, but just keep living and when you occasionally look back, you will see that everything is exactly the way it is suppose to be at that moment in time.

Yes, I have a second chance at love!! I appreciate the journey and embrace my new season!!

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My Journey Podcast

A few months ago, I was asked to share my journey through grief and loss with a podcast sponsored by Colon Cancer Alliance. It was an honor to preserve Scott’s memory online. I believe my journey is purposeful and I believe I am used by God to fulfill purpose. As we travel the journey of life we must look to each situation as if it was “school”. reflecting on  what am I learning today and how can I use the experience to help others.

Fill free to share!

My Journey

A Special Date

November 17th  would have been Scott’s birthday. As I reflect on the past year and a half that he has been gone I can see God has done amazing things in my life. I am able to move forward in another relationship that is quite fulfilling however there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about Scott. The time we were together was amazing. I am sure that God placed us together for that season and I realize that there is no season that does not end.

Yes I am human and sometimes I wonder why so much sickness -why so much pain-Then I am reminded that life for all of us consists of things we don’t understand and experiences we don’t like however when we are grateful for the experiences we do like and place all the other experiences in God’s hands it makes for smooth sailing in life. Yes I do miss Scott but I do understand that the transition was needed to move me forward to the next level. I know Scott is in a much better place with no pain and suffering. He is at home with the Lord and today I am OK with that.

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Moving Forward

As I get my luggage out to pack for my week of training next week, I come across some memories of when I was caring for Scott before he passed on July 28,2015. Memories over flood me and I become a bit teary-eyed amid my reflections. One thing I know about Scott was that he loved me very much. Even through his sickness he showed much love, patience and strength. He had a relationship with God like none other. He was strong in his belief and he never complained about his circumstance. I loved having the opportunity to take care of him. To take him to the doctor, to make the appointments, to just do everything I could to make sure he was comfortable. I know in my heart that was what my purpose was at that time. And I am so grateful to have been chosen for that purpose.

Today,  I am starting a new season with new goals and new purpose. I will always have a place for Scott in my heart and I am grateful to God to be able to love again. The person in my life now loves me and it feels so good to be truly loved again. It is my prayer to continue to walk in God’s purpose and to do his will as I travel this winding road of life.img_3045

Grateful

Grateful! I am ever so grateful today!  Grateful for what I’ve been through where I am now and grateful for where I am going. God has given me a vision and the ability to take a sneak peek into what he has in store for me. The things God has for us is more than we imagine but those things will manifest  in the spiritual ream before appearing in the physical. The past season has taught me many things. It’s taught me love, patience, how to be connected spiritually to another, the joy of life and living, and the depth of prayer.  This season is all about an attitude of gratitude and the power of faith. Yes faith brings into existence what you were dreaming and faith can be the evidence of powerful actions or events to come. When faith is fully ignited,  challenges and uncertainty will appear and that is expected.  Because without challenges,  we would not recognize the miracles.

Yes my past season was great however this season is powerful. In this season I see through the eyes of faith and choose to experience the divine will of God.

Couples

Oh I just love couples. To see them out and about in daily life. Holding hands, gazing in each other’s eyes, having conversation, smiling and having fun. There is nothing like it. Many have not experienced the genuine love of another as a spouse, husband, wife or lover. The connection is like none other. Yes, there are disagreements and conflict, but when you are truly connected that is quickly forgotten and you move on to the next thing to be experienced together. That is the way it was with my husband, Scott, and the way it is with many of you and your mate. The difficulty is when that person is removed from you through death that you not only feel a longing for your mate, but a connection to others that are in a similar situation. The connection with your spouse has ended and you feel so alone but are we really alone? No, we have each other to lean on – the ones who are left behind to carry the torch of hope to those experiencing this disconnect afresh. Yes, I just love couples—however, I am ever reminded that one day the two will suddenly become one and that one will need a friend that fully understands the pain!

Year One-Reflection

A year ago today Scott was getting out of the hospital and going to a rehab center. They had told him at the hospital that there was nothing they could do about his condition. We did not accept that so I got him in a rehab center believing that he would get stronger so he could have the surgery he needed to recover. I remember his therapist Jason would come get him and take him to do his therapy.
He was so frail but he still tried so hard. I remember watching him go through the therapy and a few times he was able to take steps of course with the assistance of the rail and Jason. I was so proud. I remember once he was telling one of the therapist how I was pushing him too hard and I needed to back off. Which I did. He was there for about two weeks before I finally accepted that he may need to go into hospice care. I remember when the hospice nurse and I came to speak to him and he told me to leave the room so he could speak to the nurse alone. She stayed in there with him for about 30 minutes explaining the process and answering his questions. When she came out of the room to speak to me she shared with me that he said to her ” does she really need to know what was going on?” He was trying to protect me. I told him that I knew what was going on and my strength came from all the prayers that he prayed for our peace. Then he said something that I thought was really sweet. He said “Renee you really surprise me”
I will never forget those two weeks in rehab. He was unable to do anything for himself but when the nurse aide would change the bed and clean him up he would give his favorite nurse aide a “high five “-raising hands and touching as if to say “you did good !
I remember one day A lady was in the room cleaning and I walked in and as usual I greeted him and said cheerfully “hey baby “. He immediately looked at me with those beautiful brown eyes and said in a whisper because at this time he did not have a lot of strength, “Renee you did not speak to her?’ at that point I smiled and said hello to the lady cleaning the room. Scott always considered others and I learned a lot from him during the time we had together.
He was my teacher, my companion, my spiritual advisor, my husband, and friend .
If he was here right now and speaking to us at this moment he would say do not be sad for he has completed his journey and is experiencing life with the Father!

I Want to be Free!

Well it is coming up to one year since Scott’s transition and I can honestly say my sadness comes more now than before . I am getting lonely and talking to a guy for companionship and this is soo scary to me. Before I met Scott I was lonely and really desperate for love. Would have never dream it would work out that we grew as lovers and friends . Funny, we never know the end from the beginning. And if we could see the end , we would not have to exercise faith and we probably would not grow. Today I asked God to make me free.
Free from wondering if there is a relationship on the horizon. Free from the desire to talk with someone of the opposite sex and they tell me I am beautiful … Free to just accept the men God puts in my life with no expectation and no comparisons .. Free to accept intimacy without guilt. God today I just want to be free!! As I pin these words I feel and see the chains of bondage release me to walk in the sunlight of the spirit!!

Reflections on Mothers Day!

Happy Mothers Day!!
Many of us have various feeling about this day. For some it is quite painful either because we wanted children but remained childless, we have children that have gone astray, we have lost our mothers to death, or we did not ever develop the relationship with our mother that we so much desired. Whatever the case, we still hold the power to make this a great day. Sadness, loss, depression and desperation visits all of us from time to time. We are the only ones who can refrain that emotion into that of joy. No, it is not easy but it is possible as we commune with God who gives us power to overcome anything.
Today, I was thinking about my husband Scott. How wonderful he was and about all the things we did during our 14 years of marriage. After reflecting on it for a while, I began to get a bit sad and I asked God,” I don’t want to forget him but I don’t want to be sad either” and He put this quote in my spirit–“look backwards only to testify about Gods grace and goodness–look forward to dream and watch them being fulfilled. ” Yes, it is OK to reflect as long as there is purpose, witness, and hope given to others concerning life situations–but God desires us to experience “Life to the Full-(John 10:10)–Go ahead and reflect on the Memories of Mother but don’t forget to dream and experience the future God has for you!

Love on Purpose

Today is Love day- most of us call it Valentines. Many people nowadays complain about Valentine’s Day. You may have heard it said it is too commercialized or it’s all about money not love or why can’t we love every day.
For some Valentine’s Day is stressful because they did not get the candy or flowers they expected from the person they love or they don’t have a person to get them candy or flowers. Today I believe that love and contentment is a choice. Many times in life we find ourselves chasing after contentment or love . Have you ever noticed a dog chasing its tail? What do you think will happen if he finally caught up with it? When we are discontent because of struggles in life we are wasting valuable time that we could be using in thanksgiving to God. We all have struggles and life challenges and I have decided to wake up each morning and be happy and content on purpose!!. Now I am not going to say it is easy because my life is not perfect. There are some things that I would like to be changed in my life but I realize complaining about it and stressing over it will not change it! It says in the word that the joy of the Lord is my strength. I believe as we experience joy which I define as “Peace despite circumstances”- we will have a greater appreciation when the problem is worked out and have more of an awareness that despite the negative energy we may have given to it , it work out the way God planned it!
I love Valentine’s Day and my decision is to love Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday –. Simply because God blessed me to experience it! I need only to ask him what I can do to help others find peace and love through Him!!