Today I passed a street I regularly traveled going to rehab to see my husband, Scott. A feeling of emptiness and pain welled up inside and I wanted to cry but no tears came, only drops. It has been almost 6 months since he passed. On some days it feels like yesterday yet other days it feels like an eternity. Honestly, most days I am ok– Enjoying life, helping people, praying and seeking a closer spiritual walk. Other times I ponder why, despite the fact that everyone has grief or has gone through grief, yet we walk around each other as if the pain is completely gone all the time. I do realize we must move on with life without our loved one, but can we sometimes be honest when someone asks how things are. Why can’t we say, Well I been thinking about him all week”. Or I had a hard time going to sleep because he was not in bed with me”. I do understand why we say we are fine because we need to go on and don’t want to bring others down emotionally. We all need those special people we can share with when everything seems to fall apart, when you really are having a tough time as well as when things are good. For I find that both conditions are temporary and we eventually get passed pain then experience joy –then a bit of pain– then joy and the cycle continues.
I find that as I continue to move through this season of life, things are ever changing. The landmarks that Scott and I shared have changed. The layout of one of our favorite stores has changed, the cost of gas has changed from when he use to fill up to go to work, the fabric of the world is changing with people being about to carry guns openly despite the fact that all types of violent crimes are on the rise.
Change, itself, is never permanent, that is why we call it change. The key to change is riding the wave through it not fighting a storm in it. Let your change be like a wave that you totally surrender to as God guides you to your predetermined destiny!