Drops of Grief

Today I am experiencing my grief as drops –A teardrop, A drop of memories, and a Drop of smiles. Thus far This has been a Joyous new season and I am coming into it with excitement and anticipation; however I am experiencing The loss of the previous season and that is OK. I realize grief is a process and no matter how strong I may feel today I know there will be moments but I welcome them. I feel it’s OK to cry, to miss Scott and to desire to experience the season all over again and again and again!! But the essence of my being knows that it will not happen in that manner. It was never designed to happen that way. Our existence is designed to experience life and to use each life experience to bring others closer to the Spirit of God. Is all about your life’s testimony–it’s all about how you can reach out and help others find healing where there is pain –find hope where there is no hope —
and find joy in the midst of sadness. I know this is the path I am on today. And had I not experienced all of the ups and downs of the life I had with Scott, I would have not known how to testify to others. Yes I’m learning to appreciate those little Drops of grief because I know they will pass and result in yet another testimony.

Living in the “Now”

 
I have been thinking of what to write  since this is the first Christmas without my husband, Scott. It is very hard to put it into words what it is like. Each morning,I still thank God for the season of 14 years that we were together. It was the best times of my life. Right now, I don’t really get sad often but I think about him every day. I just say to myself “He was such a sweetee”. God showed me a few days ago it is impossible to live in 2 seasons at the same time. What that means is that I must focus on the season I am in. I must live in my current season inorder to learn and experience the lessons here. Many people find it difficult to do that because they long for want “was” and feel overwhelmed when faced with the reality that it will never be again because that person has gone to a new home. I believe there is nothing wrong with memories as long as they do not take away from where your life is at present. Right after Scott passed, I noticed myself gradually changing. I have new interests and new path. I know this season will be a good one if I allow myself to live in it and experience it fully. I still am experiencing peace within. I pray and read the bible regularly and seldom watch TV. I am able to be at home alone in complete silence when before I would have to have the noise of TV or music going in my home. I am beginning to enjoy quite. also,i talk to myself out loud. And yes I answer myself. too. lol I am becoming more interested in fashion whereas before I did not shop hardly at all. Many times I would trade places with Scott in my mind and if I was gone I would want Scott to experience his new season to the fullest. I would want him to do the will of God and to have peace and acceptance that what we had came to an end. Yes, I will always have memories but I will not live for them or in them. I will live and experience my season as God has so graciously given it to me and I believe that possibly, the best is yet to come!

The Silver Lining Can Be Seen through the Eyes of God

Well November 17th would’ve been Scott’s 59th birthday. I am doing OK I had a moment going through home goods store and hearing Christmas music on Saturday. Scott and I loved to go to home goods and shop around. He likes looking at the different cookies and snacks and hand soaps. He would have a birthday party each year with his mother daughter sister and family We have the party on yesterday and of course I Came. They are small Christian family and his mother has lost all four of her son’s. I can only imagine how she may feel on tomorrow. I called her today and she seem to be very fine . She has a deep sense of spirituality and a strong belief in God. Last year he almost did not go to the party because he did not feel good. We had to really talk him out of bed but after he got there he was glad he went. I know God is ordering my steps now and I am praying each day for direction. We all have an appointed time and we have work to do until that time comes. I have grown much closer to God since Scott’s transition. I want to help others and I pray for relationships often. I stay very busy with school and sometimes I wonder if God is going to move me to do something else. School is really getting to hard.

I gave Scott’s mother a prayer this he had written when he was 11 years old. She had been sick and he prayed that she would not get sick anymore. Today I know that prayer was answered because she is 76 years old and still in good health.

Despite the fact Scott is home with the Lord I am still able to laugh. I spent some time yesterday at church and with a friend that made me laugh all afternoon. That was such a great feeling, when I went to bed I looked around my room and I thanked God for how much he’s favored me. My room was recently painted a light purple color and I changed all my bedding to pure white. When I sleep is like sleeping on a purple cloud I feel so peaceful and content. I seldom make my bed and I keep books and Bibles and devotionals right there for me to grab when I need encouragement.
In summary despite what you’re going through try and look for the silver lining. It may be harder to see on some days than in others but if you look through the eyes of God you can find it.